The Sun

Next to lava the sun is the hottest thing in the universe. It enjoys polo and steak sandwiches. It has also been known to get a little silly when it drinks and sing a mean rendition of "Joy to the World" at upscale karaoke bars. The sun is sort of the galactic equivalent of your favorite uncle. By that I mean, you enjoy it when it shows up and it never overstays its welcome... of course if it did our planet would be a charred ember floating through the galactic void, lifeless and barren. The sun very rarely calls if it plans to stop by your place but it always brings beer and a gift for the kids so that isn't too much of a problem. The sun speaks fluent German.

Smog

Smog is the devil crossbreed of smoke and fog. When these two get together... WATCH OUT! By themselves smoke and fog can be quitepleasant . They are good conversationalists and the obscure things in a very cinematic attractive way. Many a time have I been traipsing through the forest, chewing cud and suddenly I'm stopped short by a pond with a thick layer of fog laying across it and I think, "Wow is that beautiful." Or I'll be watching an old forties movie with my cow when, Humphrey Bogart appears on screen a cigarette clamped in his mouth and I am struck by how tough he appears. When smoke and fog get together though it creates a problem. First they drink and then their ability to make competent decisions falters and the next thing you know... smog. Smog quickly quits school, leaves home, and starts getting in trouble on the streets giving people cancer and taking their wallets. There is no known reform school that can calm this wild child down it lives fast and hard and it leaves a trail of heartbreak and tumors in its wake.

Holograms

Holograms are the byproduct of a small flying insect called, Psychoda alternata, or the moth fly. The moth fly lives on the disappointment in others, that's what it eats and drinks, it's sort of nature's jerk. As a means to create disappointment in others the moth fly has evolved the ability to create seemingly three dimensional images of things a person might like. A race car, or a monster eye on hovering over a pog, or even a nice pile of willow branches that you might like to eat for supper, are some possible examples. Of course these objects have no mass and once the viewer is aware of this his or her disappointment and anguish can satiate a moth fly for days. While you stare forlornly at tasty willow branches that you can never consume the greedy little moth fly is gorging itself on your broken dreams.

Global Warming

Global warming has been in the news a lot recently and its cause has been debated ad nauseum by multiple “experts,” all claiming that their positions are supported by SCIENCE! Well they aren’t. Global warming is caused by wolves. Specifically, timber wolves. As a society timber wolves have pooled their resources and built a giant laser that they shoot the sky with. I know... I know... it’s hard to believe but I’ve seen the thing at work I know what it can do. The problem is that most people, and by people I mean humans, just can’t believe that anything without an opposable thumb could actually do anything worthwhile, all the time forgetting that it was dolphins that built the Parthenon and first landed on the moon… and dolphins as everybody is aware have no hands at all! So… what can we do to combat global warming? There are a few possible solutions.

We could build a giant mirror and surround the planet with it.

This is a tempting idea but not very practical. Not only would the hardened surface shut off our air supply and block us from the life giving rays of the sun it would also be a planetary wide eternal hallway optical illusion and that would blow the minds of everybody on the planet.

We could move.

Once again not very practical… we have so much stuff trying to move it all would be a pain.

We could call for the systematic extermination of timber wolves.

That’s probably the best plan.

When it comes to global warming, by all means, continue to recycle and the like. Even if it’s having no direct effect on the environment it still a nice thing to do. But the only true solution is the total eradication of the timber wolves. Total.

Lava

So let's talk, really talk about lava. When dealing with lava one must keep three scientific facts foremost in their minds: 1) Lava hates you and wants to see you dead. 2) Lava, all lava, has an IQ over 3000, so it is definitely smarter than you. 3) Lava is hotter than anything you have ever touched in your life... it is in fact, hotter than the sun. Lava has been known to travel in packs so if you see one flow there's a good chance that others are nearby. If faced with lava with no means of escape or if mating season is over and you have shed your antlers your best chance for survival is prayer. Like vampires, lava is notoriously anti-Christian.