Magic Missile

The magic missile is a missile made entirely of magic. The caster (usually a timber wolf mage) is guaranteed to strike its target. This is primarily due to the magic imbued within the missile. Upon being struck by such a missile the target will receive light burns and may have their face char humorously. The target will then generally gore the caster with its antlers and head off to the nearest tavern to rut.

The 10 Things Guarenteed to Destroy Any Chance You May Have of Mating With Gordon Brown

In researching human mating habits I have run across ten things that will guarantee that you will not be allowed to breed with Gordon Brown. This data was collected under highly dangerous circumstances and in gathering it I have lost three research assistants and half of my right antler.

1. Timber Wolf Ancestry - Prime Minister Brown does not like the mixing of blood lines as a rule but he is especially against mingling with the creatures I have dubbed, "The Soulless Killing Machines, That Are Much More Deadly Than Sharks And Nuclear Missiles Combined, Of the Forests."

2. Hippies - He hates hippies.

3. Anyone Who Can Solve a Rubik's Cube Faster Than Him - He is very insecure about his intellect.

4. Circus Folk - He doesn't trust them... with good reason.

5. Peter Frampton - He was never a fan of Humble Pie and this dislike has carried over to Frampton's solo work.

6. Vampires - Brown was stalked and harassed for years by a group of table top Vampire: The Masquerade players that wanted him to play a Ventrue in their game. The whole experience left him with a bad taste in his mouth regarding vampires in general and the Storyteller System in specific.

7. Geologists - He just doesn't believe that geology is based in any kind of documentable truths..

8. Foodies - He thinks they are sissies.

9. Scrapbooking - Like raising your children, scrapbooking is something for the servants to do.

10. Snork Hatred - Brown's favorite cartoon is now and will always be The Snorks. Viva la Tooter!

Bees

There are no such things as bees. Bees were made up by timber wolves to keep people from properly enjoying flowers.

Global Warming

Global warming has been in the news a lot recently and its cause has been debated ad nauseum by multiple “experts,” all claiming that their positions are supported by SCIENCE! Well they aren’t. Global warming is caused by wolves. Specifically, timber wolves. As a society timber wolves have pooled their resources and built a giant laser that they shoot the sky with. I know... I know... it’s hard to believe but I’ve seen the thing at work I know what it can do. The problem is that most people, and by people I mean humans, just can’t believe that anything without an opposable thumb could actually do anything worthwhile, all the time forgetting that it was dolphins that built the Parthenon and first landed on the moon… and dolphins as everybody is aware have no hands at all! So… what can we do to combat global warming? There are a few possible solutions.

We could build a giant mirror and surround the planet with it.

This is a tempting idea but not very practical. Not only would the hardened surface shut off our air supply and block us from the life giving rays of the sun it would also be a planetary wide eternal hallway optical illusion and that would blow the minds of everybody on the planet.

We could move.

Once again not very practical… we have so much stuff trying to move it all would be a pain.

We could call for the systematic extermination of timber wolves.

That’s probably the best plan.

When it comes to global warming, by all means, continue to recycle and the like. Even if it’s having no direct effect on the environment it still a nice thing to do. But the only true solution is the total eradication of the timber wolves. Total.