The 10 Things Guarenteed to Destroy Any Chance You May Have of Mating With Gordon Brown

In researching human mating habits I have run across ten things that will guarantee that you will not be allowed to breed with Gordon Brown. This data was collected under highly dangerous circumstances and in gathering it I have lost three research assistants and half of my right antler.

1. Timber Wolf Ancestry - Prime Minister Brown does not like the mixing of blood lines as a rule but he is especially against mingling with the creatures I have dubbed, "The Soulless Killing Machines, That Are Much More Deadly Than Sharks And Nuclear Missiles Combined, Of the Forests."

2. Hippies - He hates hippies.

3. Anyone Who Can Solve a Rubik's Cube Faster Than Him - He is very insecure about his intellect.

4. Circus Folk - He doesn't trust them... with good reason.

5. Peter Frampton - He was never a fan of Humble Pie and this dislike has carried over to Frampton's solo work.

6. Vampires - Brown was stalked and harassed for years by a group of table top Vampire: The Masquerade players that wanted him to play a Ventrue in their game. The whole experience left him with a bad taste in his mouth regarding vampires in general and the Storyteller System in specific.

7. Geologists - He just doesn't believe that geology is based in any kind of documentable truths..

8. Foodies - He thinks they are sissies.

9. Scrapbooking - Like raising your children, scrapbooking is something for the servants to do.

10. Snork Hatred - Brown's favorite cartoon is now and will always be The Snorks. Viva la Tooter!

Lava

So let's talk, really talk about lava. When dealing with lava one must keep three scientific facts foremost in their minds: 1) Lava hates you and wants to see you dead. 2) Lava, all lava, has an IQ over 3000, so it is definitely smarter than you. 3) Lava is hotter than anything you have ever touched in your life... it is in fact, hotter than the sun. Lava has been known to travel in packs so if you see one flow there's a good chance that others are nearby. If faced with lava with no means of escape or if mating season is over and you have shed your antlers your best chance for survival is prayer. Like vampires, lava is notoriously anti-Christian.