Magic Missile

The magic missile is a missile made entirely of magic. The caster (usually a timber wolf mage) is guaranteed to strike its target. This is primarily due to the magic imbued within the missile. Upon being struck by such a missile the target will receive light burns and may have their face char humorously. The target will then generally gore the caster with its antlers and head off to the nearest tavern to rut.

Squids (Giant)

Giant squids, as a species, excel at racquetball. They also have funny high pitched voices and are prone to night terrors. Giant squids are incapable of reading poetry... this is not by choice it is a form of blindness. If a giant squid is a boy there is a 98% chance that his name is Dave. If a girl, it will be named either Ida or Mildred, sometimes Ida-Mildred.

Thermodynamics

Thermodynamics involve heat creating energy or something along those lines. It is a rubbish theory. The study of thermodynamics is to science what the study of pixie magic is to mathematics.

Chip

While it is true that nothing in nature is perfect there is one being that comes very close... his name is Chip. For many years we scientists have poked, prodded, snipped, clipped, and tested Chip. Careers have been spent trying to isolate that thing... that primordial bubbling dream that makes him so close to the Platonic ideal of everything.

Some have believed that they had come close, very close indeed, to cracking the code, only to find new tangents in their research that destroy any concepts that they might have postulated.

In the last fourteen years no less than 126 papers have been written on the "Chip Phenomenon."
Aziz Ab'Saber of the University of São Paulo, postulates in his 1998 paper, Chip: Nature's Gift, that Chip may in fact be the next evolution of the universe as a whole and that we stand on the cusp of great changes. The great evolutionary biologist John H. Gillespie told me over cocktails one brisk October evening that he has seen the hand of god at work in the world and it was in the glint in Chip's eyes when he smiled. Steven M. Block of Stanford University just photoshops Chip's head onto various photos during his downtime. He claims this is the closest modern science can come to seeing what a utopia is would be like.

For his part Chip remains humble. He stoically provides whatever science requests of him, never seeming to put out by all the attention put on him. There is a small group of scientists, myself included, who suspect that the answers we seek are already known to one person, the subject himself. However, when he is asked point blank about it he just smiles his disarming smile and elegantly changes the subject.

Volcanoes

Volcanoes are nature's volcano. They explode steamy hot lava all over. Thick, ropey, tendrils of the fiery stuff cover the snow... burning away cold purity with sinful heat. Once, in my youth, I chanced upon a volcano in a bar. It was dormant (at least it claimed to be) but I could see what was occurring where my eyes couldn't go. When I woke up the next morning it was gone and so was my wallet... and all of the snow I had been saving up was missing. I was forced to satrt over from scratch with a new herd in a new marsh. Be careful when these bastards are about.

The 10 Things Guarenteed to Destroy Any Chance You May Have of Mating With Gordon Brown

In researching human mating habits I have run across ten things that will guarantee that you will not be allowed to breed with Gordon Brown. This data was collected under highly dangerous circumstances and in gathering it I have lost three research assistants and half of my right antler.

1. Timber Wolf Ancestry - Prime Minister Brown does not like the mixing of blood lines as a rule but he is especially against mingling with the creatures I have dubbed, "The Soulless Killing Machines, That Are Much More Deadly Than Sharks And Nuclear Missiles Combined, Of the Forests."

2. Hippies - He hates hippies.

3. Anyone Who Can Solve a Rubik's Cube Faster Than Him - He is very insecure about his intellect.

4. Circus Folk - He doesn't trust them... with good reason.

5. Peter Frampton - He was never a fan of Humble Pie and this dislike has carried over to Frampton's solo work.

6. Vampires - Brown was stalked and harassed for years by a group of table top Vampire: The Masquerade players that wanted him to play a Ventrue in their game. The whole experience left him with a bad taste in his mouth regarding vampires in general and the Storyteller System in specific.

7. Geologists - He just doesn't believe that geology is based in any kind of documentable truths..

8. Foodies - He thinks they are sissies.

9. Scrapbooking - Like raising your children, scrapbooking is something for the servants to do.

10. Snork Hatred - Brown's favorite cartoon is now and will always be The Snorks. Viva la Tooter!

Alan's Birthday Party

More than the Teddy Bear Picnic, Alan's Birthday Party is the most terrible gathering of creatures on God's green earth. If one finds themselves at this gathering... beware. Many an innocent has stumbled into the Birthday Party happy and whole and stumbled out ripped up and pregnant. Alan's bacchanals are renowned throughout the animal kingdom as perverse and dangerous with maulings a regular occurrence. The dinosaurs were all killed at one of these shindigs, blown to pieces for a laugh. The dodo bird was locked in an abandoned refrigerator at one and everybody was so trashed they forgot to let it out. Hoffa was a guest of honor, so were Joseph Crater and Ambrose Bierce. So... beware. Also, the cake is made from people.