The 10 Things Guarenteed to Destroy Any Chance You May Have of Mating With Gordon Brown

In researching human mating habits I have run across ten things that will guarantee that you will not be allowed to breed with Gordon Brown. This data was collected under highly dangerous circumstances and in gathering it I have lost three research assistants and half of my right antler.

1. Timber Wolf Ancestry - Prime Minister Brown does not like the mixing of blood lines as a rule but he is especially against mingling with the creatures I have dubbed, "The Soulless Killing Machines, That Are Much More Deadly Than Sharks And Nuclear Missiles Combined, Of the Forests."

2. Hippies - He hates hippies.

3. Anyone Who Can Solve a Rubik's Cube Faster Than Him - He is very insecure about his intellect.

4. Circus Folk - He doesn't trust them... with good reason.

5. Peter Frampton - He was never a fan of Humble Pie and this dislike has carried over to Frampton's solo work.

6. Vampires - Brown was stalked and harassed for years by a group of table top Vampire: The Masquerade players that wanted him to play a Ventrue in their game. The whole experience left him with a bad taste in his mouth regarding vampires in general and the Storyteller System in specific.

7. Geologists - He just doesn't believe that geology is based in any kind of documentable truths..

8. Foodies - He thinks they are sissies.

9. Scrapbooking - Like raising your children, scrapbooking is something for the servants to do.

10. Snork Hatred - Brown's favorite cartoon is now and will always be The Snorks. Viva la Tooter!

Alan's Birthday Party

More than the Teddy Bear Picnic, Alan's Birthday Party is the most terrible gathering of creatures on God's green earth. If one finds themselves at this gathering... beware. Many an innocent has stumbled into the Birthday Party happy and whole and stumbled out ripped up and pregnant. Alan's bacchanals are renowned throughout the animal kingdom as perverse and dangerous with maulings a regular occurrence. The dinosaurs were all killed at one of these shindigs, blown to pieces for a laugh. The dodo bird was locked in an abandoned refrigerator at one and everybody was so trashed they forgot to let it out. Hoffa was a guest of honor, so were Joseph Crater and Ambrose Bierce. So... beware. Also, the cake is made from people.

Reader Mail

Comma Splice wrote:

What has science wrought, sir?




Well, Mr. or Mrs. Splice, science has obviously created a death machine of hideous power. Just look at it.

Bees

There are no such things as bees. Bees were made up by timber wolves to keep people from properly enjoying flowers.