Monday, July 13, 2009

Squids (Giant)


Giant squids, as a species, excel at racquetball. They also have funny high pitched voices and are prone to night terrors. Giant squids are incapable of reading poetry... this is not by choice it is a form of blindness. If a giant squid is a boy there is a 98% chance that his name is Dave. If a girl, it will be named either Ida or Mildred, sometimes Ida-Mildred.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Thermodynamics

Thermodynamics involve heat creating energy or something along those lines. It is a rubbish theory. The study of thermodynamics is to science what the study of pixie magic is to mathematics.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Chip


While it is true that nothing in nature is perfect there is one being that comes very close... his name is Chip. For many years we scientists have poked, prodded, snipped, clipped, and tested Chip. Careers have been spent trying to isolate that thing... that primordial bubbling dream that makes him so close to the Platonic ideal of everything.

Some have believed that they had come close, very close indeed, to cracking the code, only to find new tangents in their research that destroy any concepts that they might have postulated.

In the last fourteen years no less than 126 papers have been written on the "Chip Phenomenon."
Aziz Ab'Saber of the University of São Paulo, postulates in his 1998 paper, Chip: Nature's Gift, that Chip may in fact be the next evolution of the universe as a whole and that we stand on the cusp of great changes. The great evolutionary biologist John H. Gillespie told me over cocktails one brisk October evening that he has seen the hand of god at work in the world and it was in the glint in Chip's eyes when he smiled. Steven M. Block of Stanford University just photoshops Chip's head onto various photos during his downtime. He claims this is the closest modern science can come to seeing what a utopia is would be like.

For his part Chip remains humble. He stoically provides whatever science requests of him, never seeming to put out by all the attention put on him. There is a small group of scientists, myself included, who suspect that the answers we seek are already known to one person, the subject himself. However, when he is asked point blank about it he just smiles his disarming smile and elegantly changes the subject.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Volcanoes



Volcanoes are nature's volcano. They explode steamy hot lava all over. Thick, ropey, tendrils of the fiery stuff cover the snow... burning away cold purity with sinful heat. Once, in my youth, I chanced upon a volcano in a bar. It was dormant (at least it claimed to be) but I could see what was occurring where my eyes couldn't go. When I woke up the next morning it was gone and so was my wallet... and all of the snow I had been saving up was missing. I was forced to satrt over from scratch with a new herd in a new marsh. Be careful when these bastards are about.