The 10 Things Guarenteed to Destroy Any Chance You May Have of Mating With Gordon Brown

In researching human mating habits I have run across ten things that will guarantee that you will not be allowed to breed with Gordon Brown. This data was collected under highly dangerous circumstances and in gathering it I have lost three research assistants and half of my right antler.

1. Timber Wolf Ancestry - Prime Minister Brown does not like the mixing of blood lines as a rule but he is especially against mingling with the creatures I have dubbed, "The Soulless Killing Machines, That Are Much More Deadly Than Sharks And Nuclear Missiles Combined, Of the Forests."

2. Hippies - He hates hippies.

3. Anyone Who Can Solve a Rubik's Cube Faster Than Him - He is very insecure about his intellect.

4. Circus Folk - He doesn't trust them... with good reason.

5. Peter Frampton - He was never a fan of Humble Pie and this dislike has carried over to Frampton's solo work.

6. Vampires - Brown was stalked and harassed for years by a group of table top Vampire: The Masquerade players that wanted him to play a Ventrue in their game. The whole experience left him with a bad taste in his mouth regarding vampires in general and the Storyteller System in specific.

7. Geologists - He just doesn't believe that geology is based in any kind of documentable truths..

8. Foodies - He thinks they are sissies.

9. Scrapbooking - Like raising your children, scrapbooking is something for the servants to do.

10. Snork Hatred - Brown's favorite cartoon is now and will always be The Snorks. Viva la Tooter!

Alan's Birthday Party

More than the Teddy Bear Picnic, Alan's Birthday Party is the most terrible gathering of creatures on God's green earth. If one finds themselves at this gathering... beware. Many an innocent has stumbled into the Birthday Party happy and whole and stumbled out ripped up and pregnant. Alan's bacchanals are renowned throughout the animal kingdom as perverse and dangerous with maulings a regular occurrence. The dinosaurs were all killed at one of these shindigs, blown to pieces for a laugh. The dodo bird was locked in an abandoned refrigerator at one and everybody was so trashed they forgot to let it out. Hoffa was a guest of honor, so were Joseph Crater and Ambrose Bierce. So... beware. Also, the cake is made from people.

Reader Mail

Comma Splice wrote:

What has science wrought, sir?




Well, Mr. or Mrs. Splice, science has obviously created a death machine of hideous power. Just look at it.

Bees

There are no such things as bees. Bees were made up by timber wolves to keep people from properly enjoying flowers.

The Sun

Next to lava the sun is the hottest thing in the universe. It enjoys polo and steak sandwiches. It has also been known to get a little silly when it drinks and sing a mean rendition of "Joy to the World" at upscale karaoke bars. The sun is sort of the galactic equivalent of your favorite uncle. By that I mean, you enjoy it when it shows up and it never overstays its welcome... of course if it did our planet would be a charred ember floating through the galactic void, lifeless and barren. The sun very rarely calls if it plans to stop by your place but it always brings beer and a gift for the kids so that isn't too much of a problem. The sun speaks fluent German.

Smog

Smog is the devil crossbreed of smoke and fog. When these two get together... WATCH OUT! By themselves smoke and fog can be quitepleasant . They are good conversationalists and the obscure things in a very cinematic attractive way. Many a time have I been traipsing through the forest, chewing cud and suddenly I'm stopped short by a pond with a thick layer of fog laying across it and I think, "Wow is that beautiful." Or I'll be watching an old forties movie with my cow when, Humphrey Bogart appears on screen a cigarette clamped in his mouth and I am struck by how tough he appears. When smoke and fog get together though it creates a problem. First they drink and then their ability to make competent decisions falters and the next thing you know... smog. Smog quickly quits school, leaves home, and starts getting in trouble on the streets giving people cancer and taking their wallets. There is no known reform school that can calm this wild child down it lives fast and hard and it leaves a trail of heartbreak and tumors in its wake.

Holograms

Holograms are the byproduct of a small flying insect called, Psychoda alternata, or the moth fly. The moth fly lives on the disappointment in others, that's what it eats and drinks, it's sort of nature's jerk. As a means to create disappointment in others the moth fly has evolved the ability to create seemingly three dimensional images of things a person might like. A race car, or a monster eye on hovering over a pog, or even a nice pile of willow branches that you might like to eat for supper, are some possible examples. Of course these objects have no mass and once the viewer is aware of this his or her disappointment and anguish can satiate a moth fly for days. While you stare forlornly at tasty willow branches that you can never consume the greedy little moth fly is gorging itself on your broken dreams.

Global Warming

Global warming has been in the news a lot recently and its cause has been debated ad nauseum by multiple “experts,” all claiming that their positions are supported by SCIENCE! Well they aren’t. Global warming is caused by wolves. Specifically, timber wolves. As a society timber wolves have pooled their resources and built a giant laser that they shoot the sky with. I know... I know... it’s hard to believe but I’ve seen the thing at work I know what it can do. The problem is that most people, and by people I mean humans, just can’t believe that anything without an opposable thumb could actually do anything worthwhile, all the time forgetting that it was dolphins that built the Parthenon and first landed on the moon… and dolphins as everybody is aware have no hands at all! So… what can we do to combat global warming? There are a few possible solutions.

We could build a giant mirror and surround the planet with it.

This is a tempting idea but not very practical. Not only would the hardened surface shut off our air supply and block us from the life giving rays of the sun it would also be a planetary wide eternal hallway optical illusion and that would blow the minds of everybody on the planet.

We could move.

Once again not very practical… we have so much stuff trying to move it all would be a pain.

We could call for the systematic extermination of timber wolves.

That’s probably the best plan.

When it comes to global warming, by all means, continue to recycle and the like. Even if it’s having no direct effect on the environment it still a nice thing to do. But the only true solution is the total eradication of the timber wolves. Total.

Lava

So let's talk, really talk about lava. When dealing with lava one must keep three scientific facts foremost in their minds: 1) Lava hates you and wants to see you dead. 2) Lava, all lava, has an IQ over 3000, so it is definitely smarter than you. 3) Lava is hotter than anything you have ever touched in your life... it is in fact, hotter than the sun. Lava has been known to travel in packs so if you see one flow there's a good chance that others are nearby. If faced with lava with no means of escape or if mating season is over and you have shed your antlers your best chance for survival is prayer. Like vampires, lava is notoriously anti-Christian.